Before I knew it, it was my first day at school. Emotions filled my brain and everything seemed so overwhelming. I was so scared but also so excited. This was my second shot at life. This was the chance I had to reinvent myself. The fresh start I had craved and needed for so long. I got up super early, made sure my hair and makeup were done nicely, had ‘first day’ pictures and then left for school. Anne drove me in. I was so nervous. What if I didn’t make any friends? What if I hated this school more than my old school? Well I didn’t think these things were possible, I knew I was overthinking everything and really id be fine.
I met my head of year in reception, Anne gave me hug goodbye and then that was it. I was on my own. It was all down to me. We walked to my form, everything was already so different compare to my old school but I knew I would soon adjust. I met my form and they all seemed really lovely. I was buddied up with a group of girls, who then became my friends. We all sat on the front row of the form.it was a big group, not something I was used too. There were about 10 people in the group. Everyone gathered around the wooden benches at break and lunch. It was so nice to finally be a part of a friendship group. To be involved in something. For the first month or so, I loved it. It was the best decision I had ever made. I went out in the evenings, I went out at the weekends. I had my friends round my house. I was loving life. Of course it was still difficult, I hadn’t been diagnosed with adhd as of yet, so was still sent out of lessons and was still called ‘naughty’ but it was nowhere near as bad as my old school!
Cracks then started to form; my friendship group weren’t as close as they all made out. People would bitch behind other people’s backs. Certain people would be left out, event after event. Weekend after weekend. It was almost like this big group had two little groups in it, controlled by one manipulative person everyone was scared of. Except me. people who know me, know I show no fear whatsoever. I panic and get worried about a lot of things but a girl at school was not going to scare me. (the only things that scare me are spiders and being abandoned, haha.) Anne warned me and I did listen (ish) I knew these girls all who an established friendship group and I had to go with the flow. Unfortunately it wasn’t that easy and things got messy extremely quickly. People who I called my friends, were definitely not my friends and the people I didn’t always see eye to eye with actually became more of a friend to me. (Izzy, haha) I was very complicated. I had tried so hard to fit in and get on with everyone I was just so confused as to how I had got myself into a situation like this again. As much as this was an extremely difficult time, I certainly found out who my real friends were and those same girls I’m still in contact with now and can’t thank them enough for letting me join there complicated friendship group.
I then started not really enjoying anything again and that is an extremely slippery slope for me. it’s almost like I can’t pull myself off of the slippery slope. I began not really caring and just went to school because it was compulsory and not because I enjoyed it or wanted to go. Subjects I enjoyed at my old school (English and pe.) I hated at my new school. I had no energy for either and didn’t like the teachers, which just made everything worse. However I started to enjoy science which was a subject I hated at my old school. The whole education thing was really just swings and roundabouts. I had better bonds with teachers at my old school but also had an awful reputation. At my new school I enjoyed subjects I hadn’t enjoyed before and had a few friends but it wasn’t easy. Don’t get me wrong, I didn’t expect it to be easy or plain sailing but I also didn’t expect it to be as hard as it was.
I made friends with someone in my English class. She didn’t have many friends too, but we both got on like a house on fire. We were really close. We used to hang out in an English room every break and every lunch. We joked about. Would go on our phones and just gossip. We were both pretty content with our friendship, or so I thought. By now I should have known all my friendships turn to sh* and I am always the one left hurting, but of course another go wouldn’t kill me. One day we went about our normal routine. At lunch we sat in our normal classroom, we searched the internet, played the uk top 40 and joked about. Cutting a long story short. This girl called me a nigga, she was black, and we had both called each other niggas before. We did this often; we would jokingly call each other ugly, slags, sluts anything. It was just how our friendship was. This was just another day, just another joke. We started joking around. it started with her calling me a slag, I then called her a slut and it went on. She then called me a nigga to which I replied ‘no you’re the nigga.’ Can I just reiterate, this had happened before; we had both called each other a nigga before. She slayed and would often say she was the nigga. So this was nothing new or weird. We then carried on joking around and then she said she really needed to go to the printer in the library. She had said she needed to do it at break and I didn’t want to go, so she went at the end of lunch while I stayed in our classroom. She left and was totally fine. The next thing I know I am being called out of my lesson. I was accused of racial comments. This girl who’s name still makes my blood boil. Had gone and told my head of year I had called her a nigga even though she had called me one first. And I had had called her one numerous times before this day. I was so angry and it was the final straw. I was sent to the green room. (My next blog post is all about the green room, so you’ll have more of an understanding.) I had to be walked to my bus, I wasn’t allowed to any of my lessons until further notice and I was being accused of something that was taken totally out of context.
That day I was walked to my bus by one of my favourite members of staff. I saw the girl. She was looking me up and down and just staring as I walked past. She was clearly very proud of herself and I wasn’t going to let her get away with it that easily. A fire started in me, a fire like never before. I shouted across the playground ‘whats your fucking problem?’ (not my finest moment, I must admit.) she calmly shouted back asking me to go over to her, I thought she may have an explanation or might have wanted to say sorry, oh how I was so wrong. I went over there. We had a huge argument in the playground infront of everybody. Slightly embarrassing. But the argument didn’t just stop there, she then went on to attack me. I use the word attack because I was not a fight. The member of staff that was with me had hold of my arms, so I couldn’t defend myself whatsoever. I came out of it, there was blood everywhere. She smashed my head on a huge glass window multiple times, she kicked, punched and slapped me. she pulled my hair so hard I fell to the floor and she had my hair entwined in her fingers. As soon as I fell to the floor, she went on to stomp on my head. I didn’t lay a finger on her. I couldn’t even try and kick her off of me because of the way she had got me. I was so angry, upset and shocked. But the thing that gets me the most is the fact she just walked off and got on her bus. EVEN though multiple members of staff had seen what she had just done to me. Ultimately I just think they were scared of her. Of course I couldn’t get on my bus home. I needed stitches in my head. I was so shook up, I was dizzy and couldn’t stop crying. All the staff from the green room rushed over to see me, and we sat in a room waiting for my foster mum to get to school.
One thing I would just like to spend some time on, is the fact this girl was barely punished. She got on her bus home. She came into school the next day like nothing had happened, she went to her lessons and then the day after she had to spend ONE day in ‘PWR’ pupil work room. Basically isolation. But there was two types of isolation. ‘pwr’ was only used if you had been sent out of a lesson or had forgotten you homework on multiple occasions. Basically a small punishment for something that really wasn’t the end of the world. I mean it wasn’t the end of the world but she deserved more than what she got. She had assaulted me. We had to call the police. I was also punished, but punished in a totally different way. I was excluded for two weeks, and then after when I did come back to school. I wasn’t allowed to get on my bus. I wasn’t allowed to go out of the greenroom; my teachers had to come to me. I was stuck in a bungalow day in, day out. I was subject to the green room for life.
I was so angry with how this girl had been punished and so was everyone else. I spoke to my head of year about it. He was no help. I then wrote a letter to the school governors and they basically dismissed me, saying I had been racist. This girl knew she wouldn’t be punished because she could pull out the racist card and that’s why she did what she did. The police were also not interested after racism was brought into the equation. I just felt like everything was so unfair, and she was given special treatment because she was claiming I was racist. I actually saw her a few times after the attack and everytime I really stressed out because I thought if shes done it once and got away with it, she will do it again. She threatened to kill me. One evening she left 84 missed calls on my phone in 30 mins. She was a nasty piece of work. A liar. A manipulator. And not someone I would ever surround myself with again. I actually saw her a few months ago in a bank and she saw me. Looked me up and down and chuckled. I left straight away. I’m still angry and still believe the whole situation was dealt with so unfairly, but life is unfair. So it is what it is.
The group of girls I became friends with 🧡Izzy and Me on our weekend sleepover, this girl is super special, I love you Izzy B x
The first day of the month on a Monday! how satisfying? (and its my birthday month woohoo!)
lets hope October is a good one!! ill be on a plane to Mexico in 11 days so I’m sure ill have the best month/birthday ever!!
My next post will be on Wednesday…