Controlled By The Freak

Guys I’m baccckkk, sorry for the gap in between my blogs! I really hadn’t been feeling myself so writing wasn’t my absolute priority. I thought everything I wrote wasn’t worthy enough. So I took a little break, but I’m back now, stronger than ever! So give this one a little read and let me know what you think!

Although it was short, I still lived with my mum. It still happened. She was a single parent with 3 children, it couldn’t have been easy and I do sympathise with that. I really do. However she was a manipulative control freak, that wanted everything her way or no way. She controlled everything about my life and still tries to now! I still hear her voice ringing through my ears, I still picture my bedroom having to be perfect with no mess, I still remember crying myself to sleep because we had, had yet another argument. Living with my mum was difficult, and I don’t remember much. I went to school, got home, sat at the dinner table until my homework was complete and then sat at the dinner table until it was time to have a bath (see my previous blog about not eating The journey begins; my first ever blog) and that was it, day in, day out. I wasn’t allowed friends over. We rarely went out. I was lucky if I wasn’t sent to my grandparents while my mum was at work. The thing I looked forward to the most was eating Bourbon biscuits After breakfast at the weekend. Or going to my dads house where I felt loved, he would do things with us. He would make me feel wanted, it was nice to go to his and have a break. but all was not what happy families when I went to live with my dad, take a look at my blog about living with my dad. Me, Myself and I: Living With My Dad

At my mums I practically lived in my bedroom. I didn’t like my mum and she didn’t like me so it was just best to stay away. she wanted the ‘perfect ‘ child and I just didn’t cut it. but really who is perfect? it was like she could only parent me if I was good. she would choose when she wanted to be a loving caring mum or when she’d dismiss me. Nothing I ever did was good enough for her. We argued constantly over silly things, me not eating my dinner, my bed not being made, my attitude. Anything that could possibly cause slight friction always did. And it was always blown way out of proportion. My mum is a drama queen, she overreacts everything and anything (this is where I get it from people!!) and it was draining.. my bed wasn’t made, the world would end.

She would always make comments on how me and my sister looked, often calling my sister fat and putting her on ‘diets’. My sister was only 6/7 when this first started. She would say things to me like ‘oh look at that massive spot on your face.’ (Because I used to really suffer with my skin.) or ‘your not going out looking like that’ because I had chosen my outfit for the day. Still to this day she will criticise the way I look when she sees me and trust me that’s not very often! So far this year I’ve seen her twice and both encounters are something I try to forget! (one actually being last week, when I bumped into her in town and she totally ignored me, she didn’t even acknowledge me, while my auntie stopped and had a chat! I felt so awkward and uncomfortable. I was so upset she didn’t even acknowledge me. I honestly don’t know how she could call herself my mum.) I do remember a few things here and there. But they are all negative. I remember one Christmas being sent to our rooms again because the ‘adults’ wanted to watch an ‘inappropriate’ film, all I wanted to do was stay downstairs but that wasn’t an option. Looking back I think well isn’t Christmas all about children, but then I also think; how many more Christmas’ have I got to look forward too!? That’s the memory that sticks out the most for me, the rest is extremely blurry. We went on holiday with friends, we went to the cinema. We did do things but I always remember feeling so on edge. Like I was walking on eggshells Waiting for her to pick up on something I was doing wrong. It wasn’t fun, it was pretty tiring. And still to this day she’s in-denial, I still get the blame for everything that ever went on, she still truly believes that it had nothing to do with the way she parented me or how she used to treat me and to be honest I have no time for someone like that. Of course she will always be my mum. They will both always be my parents however much they act like it or not. But I chose not to like them (especially my mum.) purely because I disagree with her more, there’s things that are unforgivable from both parents. but I think my mum always took it abit to far. chucking all my stuff into binbags when i was 12 and making me live with my dad. was one of the many and if im honest, I will never get over it. I still to this day cant get my head around it. I would never be able to forgive her, the same as I will never know what she was thinking that day or how much I was really pushing her. I think if she took some responsibility and part of the blame instead of always making me look like she has created a monster, things could be different. But I suppose I’ll never know.
My next post will be on Wednesday

so until then, keep smiling

Lauren xoxo

ps- I love all of your comments, likes and follows on twitter! I can’t tell you how much I appreciate it ❤️ @life_inmy_eyes and Instagram @lifeintheyesoflauren

My mum and me on holiday a few weeks before she kicked me out My mum, me, my auntie and my nan, when I first went into care about 4 years ago.